Edgemead Tennis Club

Tennis Funnies

Jokes (Thanks Roland)

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Q: How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "What do you mean it was out, it was in!!!"

One liners:

To err is human. To put the blame on someone else is doubles.
Anyone who can leap a three-foot net after a match should take up track and field.
He purposely hits his first serve into the net. He doesn't want to be cheated out of his second shot.

Pre-match intimidation (Thanks Roland)

Here are some pointers on how to intimidate your opponent who you think is likely to beat you, but want a psychological advantage as that may be the only thing in your favour.

Bring the latest and biggest Wilson tennis bag with your name embossed and stuffed with 10 racquets. For extra effect clamp another 2 under your arm.
Go on court with track suit top emblazoned with the words “South Africa” on the back.
Wear knee bandages a la Nadal and ankle straps.
Wear a sleeveless tank top to show off your biceps.
Wear 2 wrist bands and a headband.
Bring a skipping rope onto the court and warm up with 50 skips followed by 20 push-ups.
Lather yourself with suntan oil and Deep Heat so that you gleam like a new car.
Bring a bunch of bananas onto the court.
Drink beer at change overs, not water.
Have your racquets wrapped in plastic and make a show of unwrapping.
During warm up hit all volleys directly at the opponent as hard as possible.
Make loud grunting noises with every shot.
Jubilate with every point you win, even on opponent’s unforced errors and double faults. A resounding YES with fist raised in the air will do fine.
Opponent’s winners must be commented on by saying “Lucky shot”.
Have your spouse on the sidelines loudly praising your shots and shouting encouragement.

If you are still losing badly, concede the match just before match point pretending you have lost your racquet dampener.

The Ten Commandments of Singles

Thou shalt serve 70% of thy first serves in.
Thou shalt keep the ball in play.
Thou shalt make thy opponent run to the ball.
Thou shalt not try to hit the lines.
Thou shalt hit to thy opponents weakness.
Thou shalt move in and attack weak second serves.
Thou shalt drop-shot opponents who can't run or volley, and lob those who cannot hit overheads.
Thou shalt maintain a positive attitude and never give up.
Thou shalt rehearse the correct way to hit the ball if thou maketh a mistake.
Thou shalt make no excuses no matter how badly thou play, how windy it is, nor if thou hath a bad hair day.

The Ten Commandments of Doubles

Thou shalt serve at 3/4 speed on thy first serves.
Thou shalt not double fault.
Thou shalt serve down the middle to cut off thy opponent's angle.
Thou shalt return low and crosscourt.
Thou shalt not miss returns, wide or in the net.
Thou shalt move in and attack weak second serves.
Thou shalt poach at least once a set.
Thou shalt encourage thy partner.
Thou shalt not glare, roll thine eyes, nor turn away from thy partner.
Thou shalt praise thy partner after the match and not covet another partner, no matter how badly thy partner performs.

A Practical Guide to Match Play for the Club Player

Volumes have been written about the psychological approach to tennis. Pre-match training, diet, calisthenics; the physical and emotional preparation required to condition top players and sustain them through the pressures of competitive tennis.

Overlooked in most tennis texts are the practical aids which can shift the balance in tight matches and ensure victory for club players.

Recent research and study of the 'average' games are detailed below, and should prove invaluable to players of club standard:

Always arrive at the club late. Not to the extent that you are disqualified, but be sufficiently tardy as to raise your already tense opponent's hopes of being awarded a walkover. Rush onto the court half dressed and, if possible, smoking.
Continue to smoke during the hit up, and, if you have more than one racquet, change continually during both the hit up and the match. Tap the strings and comment loudly about tension and humidity, which should increase your opponent's. During the pre-game knock, hit all balls out or into the net.
Inspect your opponent's racquet either before the match commences or at change over breaks. If any string appears worn - tell him. Offer the use of your spare 'when the string goes'. Given the opportunity to test your opponent's string tension tell him they are either sloppy or too taut.
Should you win the toss make your opponent serve. Joke about needing an 'early break'.
In the absence of an umpire call all faults loudly.
Talk constantly during the change over about anything to anyone including the umpire, your opponent and any spectators. If your opponent objects, apologise for breaking his concentration.
To prevent your opponent from settling into his service rhythm wipe spectacles, drop a contact lens, adjust athletic support or retie shoelaces as he tosses the ball to serve. On vital points (if possible) break wind loudly and apologise profusely.
On your own service bounce the ball repeatedly; toss the ball to the extreme right or left and abort your service action. Occasionally bounce the ball on your shoe and then retrieve it, apologetically.
'Forget' the score; to assist your opponent in recalling the correct score verbally replay each point. 'You served to my backhand, I hit a short chip to the forehand court, you ran in, hit a cross court to my forehand, I lobbed, you ran back, retrieved it and hit a forehand to me at the net, I volleyed it away for a winner.' By the time this proceeds through to 30-40 your opponent should be well on his way to a complete emotional collapse.
If these tactics have not affected your opponent's game and he is still able to hit shots which are beating you, compliment him on change over on his unusual and 'natural' game. e.g. 'You have no follow through on that forehand, but what power'. 'Volley control with that backswing is unbelievable', etc. It all helps.
Look for the signs of your opponent cracking. Glazed eyes and pulsing temples are sure signs.
The coup-de-grace to ensure victory comes when your opponent's game finally goes to water. Once he starts over-hitting, double faulting and hitting the bottom of the net regularly, offer assistance: 'slow down and watch the ball', 'head down', 'get side on', etc. One most effective device is the 'get your racquet back early' routine, especially in the case of a suspect backhand. Players in moments of severe stress have been known to freeze in the racquet back position.
Always jump the net to ensure that any gallery is aware of the result.

The use of these points will add to your enjoyment and success in the game at club level.

And remember: The most important thing is not to win but to take part; just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is to have fought well.

From 'The World's Best Tennis Book Ever'

Edgemead Tennis Club

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